Guest post by God: His resignation statement over phone hacking

July 18, 2011

God called a Press Conference in Heaven today, in which he resigned over his role in the phone hacking scandal. Paperback Rioter reproduces the full text of the statement below. You can read more from God here.

It is with deep regret and a heavy heart that I resign from my position as God and Supreme Being over life on Earth.

I am very proud of my achievements in my role, which I have held for about 5000 years (but who’s counting?). I created the universe. Saw it through some tough times (like the Bodyline controversy). There are many things I will look back proudly on.

However, I must accept responsibility for the phone hacking scandal that happened on my watch.

I can honestly say, though, that I had no idea of the scale of the phone hacking that was going on at News International.

I know I am meant to be an omnipotent being, all-seeing and all-knowing, and therefore it is right to ask me why I had no knowledge of the scale of the abuses at the News of the World and other newspapers. The fact is that the Metropolitan police conducted an investigation and concluded that the phone hacking was merely the work of one rogue reporter. There was no reason for me to disregard their professional opinion.

What I find particularly distressing is the link between myself and Andy Coulson. People keep saying that I should have done more to warn David Cameron about appointing Andy Coulson as his Director of Communications.

Yet I am not sure what more I was supposed to do. I sent three wise men to warn him of the dangers of hiring Coulson. Nick Clegg, Alan Rusbridger and Paddy Ashdown.

All of whom were sent by Me to warn Cameron. But he took no heed of My warnings. I accept My responsibility, but it seems that Cameron does not accept his.

Nevertheless, I must accept my role in this affair and must therefore reluctantly resign. I do not wish to comment on the rumours that a News International paper hacked into my voicemail.

That resignation blog post in full

January 21, 2011

It was surprising/inevitable/necessary/amazing

that Alan Johnson/Andy Coulson resigned, because these:

continuing revelations/unusual circumstances/scandals

just showed that:

he was useless at his job/he was too good at his job/his position was untenable/the speculation would never stop/it was a wonderful day to bury bad news.

Furthermore, the resignation casts doubt on the judgement of Ed Miliband/David Cameron since he:

should have known he was a liability/looks like one of the chickens from Chicken Run/should never have appointed him in the first place.

Now Ed Miliband/David Cameron will have to find someone else who can:

remember what the tax rate is/suck up to Rupert Murdoch/do his sums/run communications at Number 10/attack the spending cuts with the savagery of a pack of psychopathic hounds on speed.

What this means is that life will go on as normal, but with:

more Balls/less phone-hacking/fewer gaffes

and the whole sorry affair will be:

swept under the carpet/quietly forgotten about/pursued by certain journalists and bloggers to its unseemly end.

Fantastic Headlines, no 6

July 20, 2010

The best headlines implore you, almost force you, to read the story beneath them. Sometimes the best way to do that in the headline is to summarise the whole article and, in the words of Trevor Chaplin in The Beiderbecke Affair, “make up something so completely weird he’s bound to believe it”. Without further ado, here’s the creation of an inspired subeditor at the Daily Mail:

“Police probe hotel sting after secret camera falls off ceiling in room where Cameron cutie had tryst”

Absolutely brilliant. As with many headlines, the lack of punctuation adds to the absurdity of it all. It’s as though someone has breathlessly ran into the room and frantically described what’s just happened.

So, fantastic headline. Shame about the story. According to Private Eye it’s a very large Consignment of Geriatric Shoe Manufacturers:

The tale of Special Branch watching Nokes and Dinsdale in flagrante is diversionary nonsense, dreamed up by Tory spin-doctor Andy Coulson to switch the focus from the hypocrisy of “Nooky” Nokes – signatory to a Christian declaration against extramarital sex – to the sleaziness of redtops, a subject on which he has some expertise.

So there you are – a fantastic headline and a glimpse into Andy Coulson’s spin machine, all in the same blog post. And they say men can’t multitask.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.