Fantastic Headlines 47-49: Not all is as it seems

Please keep these Fantastic Headlines coming in. I’m trying to group them by themes now. The theme for this batch is that they are all headlines from a story that is a little bit misleading.

The first of these stories came courtesy of my housemate, which was an article found in the Daily Mail:

How central heating is making you fat

Experts say many of us now keep our homes so cosy that we no longer have to burn as many calories to naturally warm up our bodies.

Everyone, quick! Turn off the heating. Shiver in the cold! That will burn off some calories.

This story appeared in the Daily Telegraph as well, with a less fantastic headline. Which is all well and good, except, according to an article on the NHS website:

The Daily Telegraph and the Daily Mail have reported the study accurately, but they both imply that the evidence for rising temperatures causing obesity is conclusive, which it is not.

Wait, it gets better.

the methods by which these studies were identified and selected for inclusion are not given. It may be the case that other studies not included may contradict their hypothesis.

So hang on: are you saying the results WEREN’T conclusive?

Overall, this review is not conclusive and does not prove that simply opening a window or turning down the thermostat will make people thinner.

I see.

A friend and fellow electoral reform campaigner Richard made me aware of this Sun article from a few years ago. It’s a work of utter genius:

Nazi raccoons on warpath

In case you were wondering, the Sun even provides us with a picture of what a Nazi raccoon would look like:

So, how exactly can these raccoons be classified as Nazis? Has “Mein Kampf” been translated into Raccoonish?

They are just across the Channel from Britain after marching through France, Belgium, Holland and Denmark in a furry blitzkrieg.

Hitler aide Hermann Goering had the US mammals introduced to German woods in 1934 to “enrich the Reich’s fauna”.

But numbers have soared and they are invading new territory, just like the Nazis did.

Riiiiiiight.

Anyway, enough of fun stories about fascist raccoons. This last headline is from Harry’s Place, and the latest target of their ire, Julian Assange:

Isn’t It Weird How Some People End Up Looking Like Their Condoms?

Er, um, well, I suppose so, but I’ve never really thought about it. Do people end up looking like their condoms?

Apparently pictures of Assange’s condom have been, er, leaked.

And the writer of that Harry’s Place post thinks that if you turn that picture sideways, it looks a bit like Julian Assange. He illustrated that point with the help of this diagram. I’m not really seeing the resemblance myself:

Well, I’m convinced. Assange must be guilty. Wikileaks is evil. And raccoons are fascist.

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