Fantastic Headlines 20, 21, 22 and 23

I have lots of half-formed posts to write over the next week or so. As well as finishing off my thesis, and preparing for an interview. It’s going to be a busy start to 2011. For now, let’s ease into the blogging groove with four fantastic headlines.

To badly mangle Hannah Arendt’s words, not enough has been said about the banality of fantasticness. This is a fantastically banal headline on what must have been a slow news day for the Daily Express:

Prince William works on Christmas Day

Not content with one Fantastic Headline about Prince William, the Daily Express made it a double with another story that’s funny because it’s true:

Hairloss firm wants Prince William as a spokesman

I think the best thing about this story is that the Express haven’t even bothered to rewrite the press release, so you could be forgiven for thinking you’ve stumbled across Private Eye’s “Wedding Balls” section by mistake.

Next is a story from the Huffington Post, which sounds like a load of random words strung together in the vain hope that they might make some sense:

Jacqueline Gold poisoned: Sex Toy Queen’s Food Targeted

For a start, what is a “Sex Toy Queen”? Is Jacqueline Gold the head of state of some mythical land populated entirely by dildos and furry handcuffs? I think we should be told.

(And yes, I am well aware that the question I posed could well feature in a more distinguished long-running blog feature, namely John Rentoul’s “Questions to hich the answer is No”.)

Before I reluctantly leave the world of sex toys, I should mention that the aforementioned monarch’s nanny has been charged with “three counts of administering poison with the intent to annoy”; quite possibly my favourite name for a criminal offence.

One final headline for you, from the Guardian’s arts blog this time:

Van Gogh would never have won the X Factor

This is undoubtedly true because, as some wags in the comments section have pointed out, he had a bloody awful voice.

I would suggest, though, that if Jonathan Jones can’t find some great music or art around at the moment, he probably isn’t looking hard enough.

That’s enough Fantastic Headlines for now. As ever, if you have a suggestion then please contact me through the usual channels.

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